Open Wardrobes

So while leaving the house this morning in a sleep-deprived stupor I had a crazy little idea that I decided to flesh out into a brief play. It is inspired by the true event of my dog Lucy recently taking on a squirrel... and getting the worst of it (don't worry, it's just a scratch, but she looked scared to death afterwards!).

(A backyard with several trees. Three squirrels, CHIP, NUTTY, and ZIPPY enter cautiously. Of the group CHIP is clearly the one in charge.)

NUTTY: Is she there? (CHIP scouts out ahead while NUTTY and ZIPPY cower in the background.)

CHIP: Looks like the coast is clear. Everyone remember the plan? (NUTTY and ZIPPY clearly are unsure.)

NUTTY: Well we, um... then we... No.

CHIP: Good grief! All right, one more time then. Operation: Sudden Death.

NUTTY: I'm sorry, what?!?

CHIP: It's just a figure of speech. The target: the family dog, codename Bonehead. (ZIPPY giggles.) If you please! The mission: to establish our dominance once and for all over the backyard. The plan: to capture Bonehead. (ZIPPY and NUTTY gasp.)

ZIPPY: Impossible!

CHIP: Nevertheless, we will... or die trying.

NUTTY: Uh, Chip, when you say die...

CHIP: A figure of speech.

NUTTY: Can we stop using those?

CHIP: Now then, here's what we're going to do. Nutty, you will act as the bait.

NUTTY: Bait?!?

CHIP: (Not listening) Zippy, you will keep a lookout on the backdoor and give the signal once Bonehead is in the backyard. (ZIPPY laughs again.) Zippy! (ZIPPY stops.) Once Nutty has lured Bonehead into position, I will spring the trap. Have you got that?

NUTTY: About this whole bait thing...

CHIP: Private Nutty! (NUTTY stands at attention.)

NUTTY: Yes sir!

CHIP: Do you want to always be looking over your shoulder every time you dare to venture from the trees?

NUTTY: No sir!

CHIP: Do you want future generations of squirrels to be put through the terror that has become our daily existence?

NUTTY: No sir!

CHIP: Do you want to end up like Old Man No-tail?

NUTTY: No sir!

ZIPPY: (Echoing) No sir! (ZIPPY breaks down into a fit of giggles.)

CHIP: Then the proper execution of this plan is of the utmost importance! It is critical that Bonehead be lured into position or else our whole mission is naught.

NUTTY: Not what?

CHIP: Not not, naught! Pointless! Doomed to fail! You must ensure that Bonehead reaches this point here. (CHIP crosses to stand at the designated spot. NUTTY crosses to join CHIP.)

NUTTY: Right here. And once she does?

CHIP: Run like the wind!

NUTTY: (Nervously) Yeah, got it. (CHIP crosses to ZIPPY.)

CHIP: Zippy. (ZIPPY is still giggling.) Zippy! Your post is there, next to Nutty. Once Bonehead is in position you will spring the trap.

ZIPPY: What trap?

CHIP: Didn't you two pay any attention in the briefings?

NUTTY: Well, no, I was eating a nut.

CHIP: What?

NUTTY: It was a really good nut. A juicy little walnut at the peak of perfection.

CHIP: Nutty!

NUTTY: Sorry. I'm the bait, got it.

CHIP: When Bonehead is in the backyard I will give the signal, "Acorn."

ZIPPY: Acorn! Acorn!

CHIP: Not now!

ZIPPY: Acorn! Acorn! (CHIP grabs ZIPPY and puts him in his place.)

CHIP: Just take your position. It's almost dinner time and Bonehead is always let out just before dinner time.

NUTTY: So what happens once Bonehead gets here? (ZIPPY points to where he is standing.)

CHIP: Then Zippy throws the net.

NUTTY: We're squirrels, where'd we get a net?

CHIP: A secret team of operatives has been weaving it from grass and twigs for months.

NUTTY: We have secret operatives?

CHIP: Well actually we used chipmunk labor, but the point is it's finished and we're ready for action.

NUTTY: What are we going to do with Bonehead once we catch her?

CHIP: Everyone else is waiting in the trees and once she's secured, they pounce! Bonehead will never mess with us again. (NUTTY looks up in the trees at the invisible army of squirrels.)

NUTTY: How come they get to be up there and we're the ones down here?

CHIP: We drew the short straws. Now, both of you, get ready! (NUTTY and ZIPPY take their positions. CHIP exits briefly and returns with a net. CHIP takes position on the opposite side of the stage. Pause as they all wait.)

NUTTY: So, Zippy, gather enough nuts for the winter yet?

ZIPPY: Nuts! (ZIPPY suddenly runs away and offstage.)

NUTTY: What'd I say?

CHIP: Get back here, Zippy, Bonehead will be here any moment! (They run after ZIPPY and pull ZIPPY back onstage. ZIPPY carries a load of nuts.) What is that for?

ZIPPY: My winter nuts!

NUTTY: Hey, nice stash, buddy.

CHIP: Get rid of those, it's almost time! (CHIP manages to get everyone back in position. Pause.)

NUTTY: How long do we have to wait here?

CHIP: Shhh!!! I think I hear her! (Offstage we hear the sound of a dog. CHIP hides as the DOG enters. She is sniffing around the ground. To NUTTY, but not too loudly) Acorn! Acorn!

ZIPPY: Acorns? Acorns! (ZIPPY abandons the net and starts looking around for acorns. The DOG notices and starts to growl.)

DOG: Grrrrrrrr..... (She slowly advances on the unsuspecting ZIPPY.)

CHIP: Zippy! Ready the net! (ZIPPY doesn't pay attention.) Nutty, lure Bonehead!

NUTTY: But there's no trap!

CHIP: Do it!

NUTTY: (To the DOG) Yoohoo! Over here! (The DOG sees NUTTY and starts to bark and chase after him.) Ahhh!!!

CHIP: Get her in position! (CHIP crosses to ZIPPY.) Where's the net? (ZIPPY offers CHIP a nut.)

ZIPPY: Acorn?

CHIP: No! That was just the signal! (CHIP picks up the net and gives it to ZIPPY.) Get ready. (By now the DOG has NUTTY cornered behind a bush or tree.)

NUTTY: Chip!

CHIP: That's not the position.

NUTTY: It'll have to do!

CHIP: Allright, Zippy, now! The net! (ZIPPY throws the net over CHIP.) Get it off! (CHIP stumbles around and runs into the DOG. The DOG grabs CHIP and shakes him around.)

NUTTY: Chip, are you all right?

CHIP: Get her off me!

NUTTY: Zippy, think of something. (ZIPPY, who has been eating an acorn, offers one to NUTTY.)

ZIPPY: Acorn?

NUTTY: Zippy, that's brilliant. Gather the nuts!

ZIPPY: Nuts! (ZIPPY and NUTTY collect a number of nuts and start pelting the DOG with them. The DOG releases CHIP, growls, and goes after NUTTY and ZIPPY.)

NUTTY: Retreat! Retreat! (They run away and CHIP finally removes the net.)

CHIP: What's happening? (NUTTY and ZIPPY collide with CHIP and the DOG advances on them all.)

NUTTY: Is it too late to abort mission?

CHIP: Run! (The SQUIRRELS all run away while the DOG chases them. NUTTY and ZIPPY get away while CHIP runs offstage followed by the DOG.)

NUTTY: Run, Chip, run! (From offstage we hear the sound of squealing tires followed by a crash.) Ooooh, that can't be good...

ZIPPY: (Sadly) Bye Chip. (Pause and then CHIP re-enters, looking a little worse for the wear.)

NUTTY: Chip, you're OK! (CHIP crosses to NUTTY and grabs him.)

CHIP: The plan? What happened to the plan?!?

NUTTY: Well, first you recruited Zippy... (ZIPPY looks up from eating a nut, then returns to it.) But the plan worked, she won't be chasing us anymore. And thankfully squirrels can't be sued for property damage.

CHIP: I suppose, mission accomplished.

NUTTY: Though I do feel a little bad for the family kids. It's their dog, after all, their best friend.

CHIP: An unfortunate casualty. But future generations of squirrels will be able to live in peace and safety.

NUTTY: Yeah. A moment of silence for old Bonehead? (They all bow their heads for a moment of silence.) Back to the trees?

CHIP: Back to the trees. (The start to exit when we hear a barking sound, higher-pitched than the DOG's.)

NUTTY: Chip, what's that?

CHIP: It looks like... Oh no...

NUTTY: Is it a...?

CHIP: Yes.

ALL: Puppy!!! (They scream and dash offstage while we hear the sound of an excited puppy chasing them. Blackout.)